Thankful

I've gone back and forth about writing this post. I really should be doing my taxes and a slew of other things, but I can't help but go back to these thoughts I've had all week and feel pressed to share.

This last Sunday was my first time back at church in person after a couple of months; I had been working Sundays for awhile and, quite honestly, even if I wasn't working, I just needed the day to catch up, be alone, or rest.

During worship, we sang the song Defender. At first, I was a little bored with the slowness of the song, but when I started meditating on the words, I found myself in tears. The lyrics below were the ones that really hit me.

And You go before I know

That You've even gone to win my war

And You come back with the head of my enemy

You come back and You call it my victory

[...]

When I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to Your love

And You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together

You are the defender of my heart

[...]

And Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

And Hallelujah, Great Defender

So much better this way (Hallelujah)

And Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

And Hallelujah, Great Defender

So much better this way

[...]

Every time

This happens every time

Every time I fall apart

You pick up the pieces and make 'em beautiful

Every time, every time

This always happens, always happens

Every time

Not just one time, not just a few times

Every time, every time

Every time

I honestly can't even type this without tears flowing.. and they're thankful tears. Even as a little girl, I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety. It felt paralyzing. I sought the Lord and the struggle still existed, which was probably one of the hardest things for me to understand. Why, in my pursuit, did I still have this issue? As I look back, I can see that even as I felt alone and unheard, God was before me fighting my battles. In the journey, I've learned amazing coping mechanisms and how to lean into the truth even when my emotions and my feelings want to believe other things. I've learned that I have purpose even when I don't feel worthy and... I've learned that God's love and acceptance is genuinely enough.

As I was singing this song and hearing the words "so much better your way", I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the words. If it were my way, my life would have played out so differently. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even be here. But I'm here, and I'm so very thankful that I get to stand on the other side of that very dark place and feel a joy and a peace I never knew I'd get to experience this side of heaven. I know it sounds so morbid and dark to talk about depression, but I feel like it's important for us to be real, because statistics show it's really not all that uncommon - we're all just afraid of being looked down on or seen as weak if we share, and the reality is, there is so much strength and resilience to wake up each day and press on.

I've debated on sharing this picture, but it represents so much to me. That little girl on the left is me in 2008 after finding my wedding dress. I got engaged in July 2008, and ironically, that (slightly) older girl on the right will be getting married in July 2024 (16 years later!!). I can't even describe the embarrassment, brokenness, and pain I experienced when my first wedding/engagement ended. A lot of it I didn't even fully understand until many, many years later (like 10+ years) as I continually found myself unable to move forward in any relationship and slowly realizing that I was still wounded from something that happened so long ago.

That girl on the right is me now trying on that same dress. Same dress but a completely different person. I'm insanely more confident in the person God created me to be, and I'm so thankful for my journey. I never ever thought I would agree to marry someone again and quite frankly haven't wanted to be married since. Yet, God has totally surprised me with his plans. I finally surrendered and let go of what I thought was best for me and things have been so much better than my best idea. I'm so excited to see what else God has in store that is so far from my ability to imagine.

I'm sitting here writing this post while my fiancé is having his bachelor party weekend. If you would have told me four years ago that we'd be getting married, I probably would have laughed at you. Yet, here we are. It's a testimony of Mitchell's faith, pursuit, and God's redemptive power, healing, and love.

Today I saw so many similar posts about 30-something-year-olds mentioning their age and the fact their still single (as if it's a bad thing). I hate that we've created an expectation and culture that decides for us if we've succeeded or failed or what we must have in order to really be happy. It's truly a shame when you go to a family get-together and everyone is pitying you for not being married. I just want to say that being single in my 30s has been some of my very best years, and I feel insanely proud to have that time to myself and to really learn who I am in Christ as a single person. Not to mention there is just a lot to be proud of for being self-sufficient and living on your own without the dependency of another. I would encourage anyone in a season of singleness (whether wanted or not) to really embrace it as I think it's really a beautiful place to be. We so easily find our identify in others when it really ought to be found in Christ. 

XoXo,

Amy