I'm Still Here!

Oh, where to begin...

I have to be honest, it's been a really hard week for me. On Tuesday, I nearly threw in the towel, called it quits, and asked if I could just go back home. Why I didn't I'm still not sure. I hear my friend July in the back of my mind reminding me that everything takes time. I hear her friend Janiel telling me that I will hate it for the first few months but to give it time... I hear July's Mom tell me "pasa la pagina"... so, I persevere.

Traveling to a new country is so exciting but actually living in a new country is, well, a huge headache. There's so many things that have to fall into place for you to actually feel like you semi belong. I'm not sure that's all happened for me just yet, but I think I'm well on my way. I'd like to even think the worst is behind me.

Thursday (23 May - that's how they write it here in the UK) was extremely hard for me. It's hard to have to do life and act like all is well when inside when you really just want to be with your family. My dad's surgery was early morning US time so mid day for me. I kept my phone close to me at work and got all the real-time updates from my mom. But wow, my heart hurt the entire time. I didn't really know it was capable of such an ache. There's truly nothing in the world that means more to me than my faith and my family... so naturally, my heart felt in conflict. The best I could do was send my dad a text when I got up and let him know how much I love him (it was the middle of the night his time, so that's why I didn't call).

I was at work when I received Dad's reply.

I had to crinkle my nose and hold back the tears.

I was expecting the surgery to be around 4 -5 hours long as that is what we had been told. We are relocating at work so we had to be gone by 4 pm that day (or 16:00 as it reads here in the UK). In my mind, this meant I'd be home in time to talk to my family (in private) after dad got out of surgery. However, he got out quite a bit earlier than expected so I was still at work. This was good news, though. It meant all had gone as planned and no surprises!

On Friday I was working from home. Most of my team took the day off to travel to Spain for a wedding, and we were still told to work remotely until the movers finished relocating everything for us. About 2 pm my time I got a message from my mom telling me that Dad was going to FaceTime me. My heart swelled. It was so nice to see and talk to him. I especially loved when he told the nurse that he was talking to his daughter who's in London. I am so humbled to be called "daughter" by him. He was hooked up to several machines, including oxygen, but he still looked so good to me. He looked like my dad! Me being the daughter that I am quickly asked him all the personal questions so I could know all the ins and outs of the surgery and the recovery process. My dad's not one to share on his own, but I'm not one to let him get away with not telling me everything (I think I get that from my mom!). I could tell he was medicated and maybe a little sleepy but overall, I was pretty impressed by him. He makes it look easy, honestly.

He later handed the phone to my mom and wanted her to show me his room. It was really big, which is good, as I know my family can easily fill up a hospital room! My sisters and Mom continue to give me real-time updates and it means a lot to me to still feel a part of the journey.... even though far away. I think my mom gets it more than I realized at first as she has always been the sibling far away when things have come up in her family. Most everyone else has always been in Texas where we were either in Iowa or Kansas so an emergency still meant an 8-10 hour drive.

On Saturday my mom sent us all a "good morning" picture of my dad. He looked even better than the day before! He's also able to eat real food now, to the extent his body can take it. They took the catheter out yesterday but then ended up having to put it back in due to complications. I know my dad really didn't want that so I'm sad for him that it hasn't been as smooth of a process as hoped. Thankful, nonetheless, to have the medical staff and technology we do to know what he needs and when he needs it. We are so blessed and most of the time we forget to even acknowledge it!

Yesterday evening I received a picture message from my sweet friend July.

I've always called her my soul friend. It's a perk of having a friend who prays and is in step with the holy spirit. It's as if she knows when my heart needs a pick-me-up. She filled me with words of encouragement, yet again, reminding me that everything takes time. She told me that her and Janiel made a commitment to give things 1 year and to give it all they had (side note - July is from the Dominican Republic but is now a doctor in Kansas City. She moved to the States so she totally gets it). I have so much more appreciation for her strength and perseverance. It is hard to experience all things new and to do it on your own - no sidekick to rest on when you feel a bit weary.

Well, I have lots more to share, but I need to take a shower so I can make it to church on time! I'm going to visit Hillsong today!

(break - 26 May 2019)

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(continued - 27 May 2019)

I visited Hillsong Central London yesterday, and it was nice to finally be back in church.
The church meets at the Dominion Theatre in Soho. It's a pretty easy commute as the theatre is right across the street from the station at Tottenham Court Road. I had planned to go to the 11 am service but it's about a 45 minute commute from where I live, and I ended up taking longer at the gym. I actually went to the 1:15 pm service instead. They have services as late as 5 pm so there's really no good excuse to not make it!

Church was packed and so hot. I made my way to the front and sat in maybe the third row from the front. By the time worship was over, I was so sweaty. My body hasn't adjusted to the whole no-air-conditioning-even-when-it's-70 degrees-outside lifestyle. So while all the woman around me looked really great, I looked like I just ran a marathon (with my hair down). I walked in with straight hair and walked out with a big, frizzy, semi-wavy look.

I did enjoy how passionate everyone was about their worship and there were a lot of "Amen" and "Uh-huh" during the service, which made me feel more at home. I very much enjoy an interactive church sermon. I also was blessed to look around and see so much diversity in one building yet all passionately praising the same God. It was quite surreal, actually. We don't get to see or experience that as much in Kansas. We speak of an omnipresent, omnipotent God yet I'm not sure our minds can really truly fathom it. I was blessed by the sweet reminder.

We sang two songs that I have been playing on repeat. One is Glorious Day and the other is Whole Heart. I had been playing Whole Heart repetitively since before I left the States (my family can attest as I think I may have worn the song out for them). The words of each song are just so incredible to me -

Glorious Day

I was breathing, but not alive

All my failures I tried to hide

It was my tomb

Til I met You

You called my name

Then I ran out of that grave

Into your glorious day

Now Your freedom is all that I know

The old made new
Jesus when I met you, whoa, what a day

 Jesus, when I met You, whoa, what a day 

Whole Heart

So here I stand

High in surrender

I need You now

Hold my heart

Now and forever

My soul cries out

'Cause once I was broken

You loved my whole heart through

 Sin has no hold on me‘

Cause Your grace holds me now

Death has no hold on me

‘Cause Your grace holds that ground

And Your grace holds me now

I find irony in my story. Isn't it crazy how all the while, in the midst of aches and longings, life is still so incredibly beautiful? It is truly amazing that we have the ability to feel emotion, to overcome challenges, and to persevere. The Global Mobility contact for me at my company checks in on me every once in awhile, and he frequently says "Bless you, Amy", which I really love actually. (In my mind, I'm saying "Amen. I'll take that blessing".) He says I've had so many unforeseen and unusual circumstances during my move that most people would have, on several occasions, called him quite angry for what I had to go through. He tells me he can't believe how gracefully I've handled things. I just chuckle to myself when he says that to me...isn't that just life? I respond and tell him I'm collecting stories for my story book and one day these stories will be experiences that I love. Things I will likely laugh about, but even more so, things that shape me, sharpen my faith, and mold me bit by bit to the woman God has intended for me to be. 

It's beautiful, right? 

I'm sad. I miss my old life. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm frustrated. Yet, I can't help but be overwhelmingly thankful for the opportunity to have those emotions. To live life yet a little fuller and to laugh all the while along the way. Life is not a means to an end. It's not about achieving this or that (and what a sad way to choose to do life), it's about the journey. May we never forget to just embrace those moments. I believe God has me right where He wants me, and even though there's doubt on my end, I think His plans are much greater than what I can even appreciate right now.

Sigh, I'm a mess, but I tell myself I'm a beautiful one. 

There is only one me. There is only one you, and that, in and of itself, makes us beautiful.💗