Mold Me, Make Me: He is the Potter, I am the clay.
Oh my sweet goodness. You guys! God is seriously so good.
You know when you start to feel Jesus working inside of you? It's like, if you're still enough, you can feel him feeding into your spirit. Do you know what I mean? Am I crazy? (don't you dare answer that!) I just get so overjoyed when I get that sense. It excites me to know I have captured Jesus' attention, and He is working in ME! Totally. Awesome. Whenever I get that feeling, I immediately know I need to be patient and meditate and dwell on things for a few days to really comprehend what He is speaking to me. That's exactly what I've been doing this week.
I'm not even really sure how to express myself in writing right now. It feels like I have almost two years of my life to unfold in order for anyone to really understand the power of Jesus in my life. Let me begin by saying that about a year ago, God really spoke to me about living with intent. Aligning my priorities with my purpose. Well, what does that even mean? For me, it meant reassessing my life. It also meant letting go of anxiety and fear that prevented me from being... me! I started to realize a couple of things that profoundly changed my life. As a person that has experienced a lot of heartbreak and a lot of loss, I have lived a lot of my life in so much hurt and brokenness. However, I learned through this that no matter what I experience in life, my salvation and my eternal joy could never be taken from me. Like, never. I can lose my job, my friends, my family...but I can never lose the eternal life that Jesus has given me and the joy I have from knowing I am His. What is really cool about this realization is that once you begin to fully comprehend that you know the end of your story and regardless of what happens on earth, it's a pretty freakin' awesome ending, you start to realize that it logically doesn't make sense to be anxious or afraid of anything life throws at you. The second thing I came to fully understand that radically changed the way I live my life is that fact that I have FREEDOM in my salvation. Do you realize what that means? I do. It means I am not saved by my works, and I do not have to be perfect (thank you, Jesus!). As a perfectionist, I have nearly sabotaged my life trying to live perfectly. I have experienced so much self condemnation that I could barely face the thought of another day. Now I wake up and just bask in the fact that it's a new day! New mercies! Oh, I pray, pray, pray that you come to know this freedom (if you haven't yet). It's incredible. Not only is it incredible, but it allows you to love and serve and show grace in such a way that you find yourself asking "where is this coming from"? (Answer: It's the overflow of His spirit in you!)
I saw this picture posted on the Proverbs 31 Ministries Facebook page today, and I literally said to myself, "This is me! This is my story. I need to share it!".
Without getting into all the details of my past, let me be transparent with you and tell you that I have struggled with severe depression for most of my life. Common for those who deal with depression, I have also dealt with severe anxiety and both disorders have robbed me of so much joy (did you catch the past tense?!?).
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 3 years old (I even remember it, which is crazy, as I have the worst memory... and I was 3! I was sitting in a chair at my Mamaw's house in Milford, Texas.). I am so thankful that Jesus saved my soul as a young girl, because I am afraid to know where I'd be today if I didn't always know Him and know that He was bigger than any deep hurt or fear I would experience.
I feel that many that do not struggle with depression or anxiety struggle to understand how someone who intimately knows Jesus could have such a struggle. I don't really have the answer to that question, but I know you can in fact struggle with those disorders and still know the very truth of Jesus Christ. It was those truths that literally saved me. I am a miracle.
I hardly ever write anymore as the thought of trying to organize my thoughts in a manner that a reader could follow is quite a challenging task. Today, for whatever reason, I logged onto my blogspot and found the below blog in a draft version from over a year and half ago. I'm sharing it now because it further testifies to how incredible God is and how he can profoundly work in our lives.
*******************************************************************************
Sometimes I fear letting myself sit down to write on a public blog. Those that know me know I have little to no filter and giving me a blank page where I can write all my thoughts and opinions can be rather dangerous. Mostly in the fact that I find myself being overly transparent and having no idea who sits at the other end of this screen. So please bare with me as I share my life with you. Judge if you must because honestly, I'm at the point where I really don't care. All I can do is be real and if it's too much for you then I ask that you please stop reading.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I feel like I have had a lot of experiences in life that have pulled my heart in every which way. I wonder what my heart would look like if I could see it. I think it would be really hard - resembling dried up clay, cracked and broken. And if that's not what it looks like, I can at least tell you that is exactly how it feels. Dead, dry, hard, and shattered.
As I spend time in God's word and read over and over where He tells me to love. He says that this is the most important thing - above all. Well, I have just one problem. My heart is so so drained that I'm not sure there's any feeling left. How can I love when I can't feel emotion? When I feel too tired to give energy to anyone or anything for fear that they might suck out the only bit of life I have left in me. I know it sounds depressing and dark (and selfish!), but this is honestly something I am experiencing and maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone.
I try to dissect all of my life experiences and ask myself "how did I get here?". It's so easy to look back on your decisions or experiences and struggle to see our mistakes or disobedience. Everyone else made all the mistakes and we are perfect, right? Ha! We sit back and judge those who hurt us and spend all our time knit picking the smallest flaws in others, but why? Is it a reflection of ourselves? Is it really because we care to let everyone know how horribly they are doing or is it because we feel so inadequate and so unworthy that we try to keep any focus or attention off of ourselves for fear that someone may find out who we really are...
Matthew 7:1-5
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
As Christians, we are taught to love others, to serve them, and to help them. We reach out to those in need and are eager to help. This is good. We help people struggling with pornography, alcoholism, sexual addictions, broken marriages, etc. But what I find interesting is that we are so often ignoring our own issues. We shove our problems under a rug and keep everyone at a distance so they never have the opportunity to know us enough to know that we are broken, shattered, and messy! There's so much irony in this. We are trying to focus on others and work to help them overcome their struggles yet we fail to look at ourselves in the process. I think this is dangerous. If we aren't careful, I truly believe that Satan begins to use this to make us feel unworthy and so ashamed that we begin to isolate ourselves for fear of rejection. We start to feel unloveable. But in reality, God loves us despite the imperfections. He knows we are filthy, and He loves us just that way. All God really wants is our hearts. He is just asking us to give him our dried up, cracked and broken hearts.
But now, O Lord,
You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.
This verse has special meaning to me. When I think of how I have described my heart and then I read this verse and it says that God is the potter... that is cool to me. When clay is completely dried out, you have to grind it into powder and mix it with water to make it useable again. That's kind of at the place I am right now. I feel completely dried out, and I'm asking God to take my heart and revamp it. I want a heart that mirrors His. I feel like I'm in the grinding phase. Sometimes it's hard to let go of control and let God do the work. I am truly going through a restoration process. I have asked God to search my heart and rip out anything old and useless. To strip me of the things that are not edifying and to fill the holes. It's kind of an ugly process, but I am hopeful that by allowing God to take control of the condition of my heart that I can better fulfill His purpose for me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Psalm 51:10-12
...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ [...] And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Philippians 1:6, 9-11
*******************************************************************************
I love looking back at that blog, because I see how God answered my prayers. I see that He didn't forsake me, and He continually feeds into my life. I have experienced restoration beyond what I can even describe. I remember hearing people talk about this "eternal joy" and honestly being quite annoyed by it. But now, I get it. I was stripped [I hope that's how you spell it because I always get it wrong...] of all the things I thought mattered. All the things I thought brought joy. Looking back, this was the healthiest thing that has ever happened to me, because I learned that I was ok. That I had Jesus and for all the years I had proclaimed "He is Enough" I really experienced it. I went from feeling unworthy, unloved, inadequate, never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough... to realizing that He created me and He can use me. I am not useless. I am His. He loves me! I don't fully understand His goodness and why He showers us with His love, but I am so very glad He does. I wake up in the mornings confident and it has nothing to do with me. I don't fear rejection from others (ok, ...I experience it significantly less...I'm not perfect!). I am content with my relationship with Jesus and knowing that He is working in me every day.
In my past, I battled with life and death. With understanding why I should live another day. I prayed so many times and just wanted Jesus to take my life so I could go be with Him. It was a suicidal feeling but more because I wanted the easy way out. I wanted to forego life on earth and just skip to the end of the story. My family can attest to the severity of the struggle, and I am thankful that they were steadfast in their faith, unconditional in their love, and committed in their prayer to see me through the battle. It has been a very humbling, embarrassing, yet eye opening journey, and I am not ashamed of it because I got to see Jesus work a miracle in my life. I remember feeling so desperate and so trapped and feeling like I had no one to go to, that I reached out to KLOVE and submitted a prayer request. I remember getting an email from Pastor Dave that had a prayer in it and I just cried and cried and prayed and prayed. I still have that e-mail and just today I wrote him to let him know that not only am I alive.. but God is alive in me! He heard our prayers, and He is faithful!.
So as I sign off (because it is past 8 pm and definitely my bed time...), I want you to know that you are so loved and there is no pressure to be perfect. Just be you. Love Jesus with your whole heart and be confident in the you He created. As you draw near to Him He will truly mold you and shape you. Life won't ever be perfect, but I can attest that it will be so much more enjoyable when you fully understand the meaning of this eternal joy. I will leave you with one of my favorite verses and my prayer for you tonight.
Thank you for loving me and for allowing me to share my journey with you. If you don't know Jesus but want to know more about Him, please don't let another day pass by without Him! And if you do know Jesus but are still hurting and working through life's many challenges, please be honest with yourself and willing to be transparent and seek prayer and support from others. Being real is the best ministry tool, in my opinion. It's humbling, but freeing, and very incredible to see God move. Wherever you are; whatever you're going through, I would love to pray with and for you!
You know when you start to feel Jesus working inside of you? It's like, if you're still enough, you can feel him feeding into your spirit. Do you know what I mean? Am I crazy? (don't you dare answer that!) I just get so overjoyed when I get that sense. It excites me to know I have captured Jesus' attention, and He is working in ME! Totally. Awesome. Whenever I get that feeling, I immediately know I need to be patient and meditate and dwell on things for a few days to really comprehend what He is speaking to me. That's exactly what I've been doing this week.
I'm not even really sure how to express myself in writing right now. It feels like I have almost two years of my life to unfold in order for anyone to really understand the power of Jesus in my life. Let me begin by saying that about a year ago, God really spoke to me about living with intent. Aligning my priorities with my purpose. Well, what does that even mean? For me, it meant reassessing my life. It also meant letting go of anxiety and fear that prevented me from being... me! I started to realize a couple of things that profoundly changed my life. As a person that has experienced a lot of heartbreak and a lot of loss, I have lived a lot of my life in so much hurt and brokenness. However, I learned through this that no matter what I experience in life, my salvation and my eternal joy could never be taken from me. Like, never. I can lose my job, my friends, my family...but I can never lose the eternal life that Jesus has given me and the joy I have from knowing I am His. What is really cool about this realization is that once you begin to fully comprehend that you know the end of your story and regardless of what happens on earth, it's a pretty freakin' awesome ending, you start to realize that it logically doesn't make sense to be anxious or afraid of anything life throws at you. The second thing I came to fully understand that radically changed the way I live my life is that fact that I have FREEDOM in my salvation. Do you realize what that means? I do. It means I am not saved by my works, and I do not have to be perfect (thank you, Jesus!). As a perfectionist, I have nearly sabotaged my life trying to live perfectly. I have experienced so much self condemnation that I could barely face the thought of another day. Now I wake up and just bask in the fact that it's a new day! New mercies! Oh, I pray, pray, pray that you come to know this freedom (if you haven't yet). It's incredible. Not only is it incredible, but it allows you to love and serve and show grace in such a way that you find yourself asking "where is this coming from"? (Answer: It's the overflow of His spirit in you!)
I saw this picture posted on the Proverbs 31 Ministries Facebook page today, and I literally said to myself, "This is me! This is my story. I need to share it!".
Without getting into all the details of my past, let me be transparent with you and tell you that I have struggled with severe depression for most of my life. Common for those who deal with depression, I have also dealt with severe anxiety and both disorders have robbed me of so much joy (did you catch the past tense?!?).
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 3 years old (I even remember it, which is crazy, as I have the worst memory... and I was 3! I was sitting in a chair at my Mamaw's house in Milford, Texas.). I am so thankful that Jesus saved my soul as a young girl, because I am afraid to know where I'd be today if I didn't always know Him and know that He was bigger than any deep hurt or fear I would experience.
I feel that many that do not struggle with depression or anxiety struggle to understand how someone who intimately knows Jesus could have such a struggle. I don't really have the answer to that question, but I know you can in fact struggle with those disorders and still know the very truth of Jesus Christ. It was those truths that literally saved me. I am a miracle.
I hardly ever write anymore as the thought of trying to organize my thoughts in a manner that a reader could follow is quite a challenging task. Today, for whatever reason, I logged onto my blogspot and found the below blog in a draft version from over a year and half ago. I'm sharing it now because it further testifies to how incredible God is and how he can profoundly work in our lives.
*******************************************************************************
Sometimes I fear letting myself sit down to write on a public blog. Those that know me know I have little to no filter and giving me a blank page where I can write all my thoughts and opinions can be rather dangerous. Mostly in the fact that I find myself being overly transparent and having no idea who sits at the other end of this screen. So please bare with me as I share my life with you. Judge if you must because honestly, I'm at the point where I really don't care. All I can do is be real and if it's too much for you then I ask that you please stop reading.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I feel like I have had a lot of experiences in life that have pulled my heart in every which way. I wonder what my heart would look like if I could see it. I think it would be really hard - resembling dried up clay, cracked and broken. And if that's not what it looks like, I can at least tell you that is exactly how it feels. Dead, dry, hard, and shattered.
As I spend time in God's word and read over and over where He tells me to love. He says that this is the most important thing - above all. Well, I have just one problem. My heart is so so drained that I'm not sure there's any feeling left. How can I love when I can't feel emotion? When I feel too tired to give energy to anyone or anything for fear that they might suck out the only bit of life I have left in me. I know it sounds depressing and dark (and selfish!), but this is honestly something I am experiencing and maybe, just maybe, I'm not alone.
I try to dissect all of my life experiences and ask myself "how did I get here?". It's so easy to look back on your decisions or experiences and struggle to see our mistakes or disobedience. Everyone else made all the mistakes and we are perfect, right? Ha! We sit back and judge those who hurt us and spend all our time knit picking the smallest flaws in others, but why? Is it a reflection of ourselves? Is it really because we care to let everyone know how horribly they are doing or is it because we feel so inadequate and so unworthy that we try to keep any focus or attention off of ourselves for fear that someone may find out who we really are...
Matthew 7:1-5
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
As Christians, we are taught to love others, to serve them, and to help them. We reach out to those in need and are eager to help. This is good. We help people struggling with pornography, alcoholism, sexual addictions, broken marriages, etc. But what I find interesting is that we are so often ignoring our own issues. We shove our problems under a rug and keep everyone at a distance so they never have the opportunity to know us enough to know that we are broken, shattered, and messy! There's so much irony in this. We are trying to focus on others and work to help them overcome their struggles yet we fail to look at ourselves in the process. I think this is dangerous. If we aren't careful, I truly believe that Satan begins to use this to make us feel unworthy and so ashamed that we begin to isolate ourselves for fear of rejection. We start to feel unloveable. But in reality, God loves us despite the imperfections. He knows we are filthy, and He loves us just that way. All God really wants is our hearts. He is just asking us to give him our dried up, cracked and broken hearts.
But now, O Lord,
You are our Father;
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all we are the work of Your hand.
Isaiah 64:8
This verse has special meaning to me. When I think of how I have described my heart and then I read this verse and it says that God is the potter... that is cool to me. When clay is completely dried out, you have to grind it into powder and mix it with water to make it useable again. That's kind of at the place I am right now. I feel completely dried out, and I'm asking God to take my heart and revamp it. I want a heart that mirrors His. I feel like I'm in the grinding phase. Sometimes it's hard to let go of control and let God do the work. I am truly going through a restoration process. I have asked God to search my heart and rip out anything old and useless. To strip me of the things that are not edifying and to fill the holes. It's kind of an ugly process, but I am hopeful that by allowing God to take control of the condition of my heart that I can better fulfill His purpose for me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ [...] And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Philippians 1:6, 9-11
*******************************************************************************
I love looking back at that blog, because I see how God answered my prayers. I see that He didn't forsake me, and He continually feeds into my life. I have experienced restoration beyond what I can even describe. I remember hearing people talk about this "eternal joy" and honestly being quite annoyed by it. But now, I get it. I was stripped [I hope that's how you spell it because I always get it wrong...] of all the things I thought mattered. All the things I thought brought joy. Looking back, this was the healthiest thing that has ever happened to me, because I learned that I was ok. That I had Jesus and for all the years I had proclaimed "He is Enough" I really experienced it. I went from feeling unworthy, unloved, inadequate, never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough... to realizing that He created me and He can use me. I am not useless. I am His. He loves me! I don't fully understand His goodness and why He showers us with His love, but I am so very glad He does. I wake up in the mornings confident and it has nothing to do with me. I don't fear rejection from others (ok, ...I experience it significantly less...I'm not perfect!). I am content with my relationship with Jesus and knowing that He is working in me every day.
In my past, I battled with life and death. With understanding why I should live another day. I prayed so many times and just wanted Jesus to take my life so I could go be with Him. It was a suicidal feeling but more because I wanted the easy way out. I wanted to forego life on earth and just skip to the end of the story. My family can attest to the severity of the struggle, and I am thankful that they were steadfast in their faith, unconditional in their love, and committed in their prayer to see me through the battle. It has been a very humbling, embarrassing, yet eye opening journey, and I am not ashamed of it because I got to see Jesus work a miracle in my life. I remember feeling so desperate and so trapped and feeling like I had no one to go to, that I reached out to KLOVE and submitted a prayer request. I remember getting an email from Pastor Dave that had a prayer in it and I just cried and cried and prayed and prayed. I still have that e-mail and just today I wrote him to let him know that not only am I alive.. but God is alive in me! He heard our prayers, and He is faithful!.
Thank you for loving me and for allowing me to share my journey with you. If you don't know Jesus but want to know more about Him, please don't let another day pass by without Him! And if you do know Jesus but are still hurting and working through life's many challenges, please be honest with yourself and willing to be transparent and seek prayer and support from others. Being real is the best ministry tool, in my opinion. It's humbling, but freeing, and very incredible to see God move. Wherever you are; whatever you're going through, I would love to pray with and for you!
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