Wow.
I'm currently taking the Becker CPA Review class so I can sit to take the CPA Exams by the beginning of the fall. The class consists of driving to Lawrence every morning, listening to a lecture for 4 hours, and driving home to do endless amounts of studying and homework problems... which I can never seem to finish! I have never felt so incredibly overwhelmed by so much material. It's like everything I learned in college crammed into five weeks, plus additional material I didn't know existed!! I usually don't like to drink too much caffeine, but lately it's been my study buddy.
I finally quit studying around 1 in the morning last night. As I went to lay down, I found myself reflecting over my life and all the experiences I've encountered in the last soon-to-be 23 years. The last two years, specifically, have been very influential. They've really impacted my perspective on life as well as my character and personality. I was listening to Laura Story's song What a Savior before falling asleep and found myself thanking God for truly saving me.
For some reason, I started to think about my experience on a mission trip to Cancun, Mexico, with Fusion, the COTH youth group. Not only am I passionate about my love for the Lord, but I really love speaking Spanish and learning about different cultures. (Little did I know that I would be going back to Mexico several years later to attend school and live with a host family.) Everyone on the trip was eventually asked to give their testimony during one of the services we held for the village people. I remember we were told at the beggining of our trip to write down our testimonies so that we had them ready to give at any moment. I had a really hard time doing this. I'd heard other testimonies that were so life-changing and radical, and I just didn't feel like I had much to say. I remember getting up to share my testimony. I said something like this: unlike many of you, I have never known what's it's like to be without God. I have grown up in an amazing family that loves and serves the Lord. I've always been taught to put others before myself and to be thankful for all that I have. I was saved at an incredibly young age and have always loved God. I've never doubted God's abilities, and I've seen Him work in my life and others. I can't relate with those of you who have had a hard life. You might have gone without or may not have a family that loves you, but I can testify to God's goodness. I can tell you that no matter what kind of life you've had, God loves you and wants to know you. He can make your life worth living for...
Sounds pretty good, right? Well, as I was getting ready to fall asleep. I realized how much I've changed since junior high, high school, and even college. All of my experiences have done some revisions to my testimony. I had always walked the straight and narrow path. I'd never rebelled, or purposefully sinned against God. Purity seemed fairly easy and I had no attraction to parties, or even alcohol. I was never really even introduced to those temptations. In my own eyes, I thought I was pretty darn perfect.
As those of you who are older know, living on your own challenges you to really get to know yourself for who you really are. It wasn't until I left home and was on my own that I began to learn my identity. I had to go find my own church, my own friends, and my own job. I was on my own in Manhattan without family or my close high school friends to depend on to remind me how to do things the 'right' way. When you're in college, you meet a lot of really different people. Diversity is highly valued by the university and everyone is encouraged to embrace differences. Well, I was so frustrated my freshmen year that people didn't understand God and His love. During my time in undergrad, I even met some Christians that really made me unattracted to the Christian faith. I also made some really great and loyal friends that did not know God or his love and mercy. I was overwhelmed by change.
During the last few years, I've also experienced a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. I've cried more these last couple years than I ever remember crying. I've made decisions that were not always honoring to God, and for a while, I was even angry with God. I remember saying to Him, "what have I done so wrong to deserve this?" or "why me, God?". I never walked away from God, but we had some rough encounters, if you know what I mean. I had a lot of questions for Him, and the answers weren't coming as soon as I wanted them.
Over the last year, I also experienced a lot of disappointment. I've always had a hard time being excited or hoping for something, because I very much hate the feeling of disappointment. I will go to all extremes to avoid that feeling. For some reason disappointment has always made me feel inadequate. As though I wasn't worthy of what good was ahead. Well, that's a lie that satan has fooled me with for most my life. Thankfully, God has shown me so many great things these last few years. I always think of the quote, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.."
I clearly didn't sleep much last night. I was just talking to God about so many things. I could easily look back at the last few years and be ashamed. I should have done a lot of things differently, but I didn't. And, I'm very thankful that I haven't done things perfectly. Far from what I thought as a teenager, I'm so imperfect and so unworthy on my own. BUT because of who I am in Christ, I am very worthy. God has loved my beyond my imperfections, and He really has used my disappointments and mistakes for His glory. I am amazed at how much I have grown. Specifically, my ability to love. I have always struggled with expressing my feelings, especially in a relationship. It goes back to that whole idea of disappointment, I think. You don't want people to know that you love them because then if they don't love you back you'll feel silly. Well, I don't care anymore. I am going to love (in all aspects, not just a relationship) whether or not I'm loved in return, because I have God's love. And, I am capable of loving, because I know God's love. I thought after all the disappointment and hurt I would never be able to trust or be happy, because I would be afraid of experiencing those feelings again. As crazy as it sounds, just the opposite has happened.
When I was younger I thought I was nearly perfect, but that's to be expected when you've grown up fairly sheltered and haven't really had to rely on God on your own. You've always just relied on your parents and they did the relying on God part. Ironically, I've always been pretty judgmental. I would get angry when I saw people choosing to disobey God. I had a hard time loving people that would choose to be this way. Well, somewhere between then and now, I have experienced God's grace and mercy in a way I never imagined. I can love the unloveable because love is not earned. God loves us even when we deserve it the least. He loved us so much that while we were still sinners, He gave His Son's life for us. That's a hardcore kind of love, and I'm learning how to love in that way. I know this blog cannot do justice to what I've learned these last few years, but I just wanted to share with you that even when you feel like you're taking a million steps backwards in life, God may have a plan and He can work through those experiences and in the end you may be closer to Him than you've ever been before.
Never have these verses meant so much to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Long story short, don't give up and PLEASE, don't settle. God has a plan even when you can't see it or understand it. He may ask you to give something up only because He has something better in store. Rejoice in your pain and in your sorrows, because when you experience joy again it will never have felt so good (and almost makes the heartache, worth it). If there's one thing I'd like to add to my testimony, it is that God heals the broken. He can take your heart and make it whole again. Don't give up on yourself, but more importantly, don't give up on God.
Love you all!!!
...now back to accounting...
I finally quit studying around 1 in the morning last night. As I went to lay down, I found myself reflecting over my life and all the experiences I've encountered in the last soon-to-be 23 years. The last two years, specifically, have been very influential. They've really impacted my perspective on life as well as my character and personality. I was listening to Laura Story's song What a Savior before falling asleep and found myself thanking God for truly saving me.
For some reason, I started to think about my experience on a mission trip to Cancun, Mexico, with Fusion, the COTH youth group. Not only am I passionate about my love for the Lord, but I really love speaking Spanish and learning about different cultures. (Little did I know that I would be going back to Mexico several years later to attend school and live with a host family.) Everyone on the trip was eventually asked to give their testimony during one of the services we held for the village people. I remember we were told at the beggining of our trip to write down our testimonies so that we had them ready to give at any moment. I had a really hard time doing this. I'd heard other testimonies that were so life-changing and radical, and I just didn't feel like I had much to say. I remember getting up to share my testimony. I said something like this: unlike many of you, I have never known what's it's like to be without God. I have grown up in an amazing family that loves and serves the Lord. I've always been taught to put others before myself and to be thankful for all that I have. I was saved at an incredibly young age and have always loved God. I've never doubted God's abilities, and I've seen Him work in my life and others. I can't relate with those of you who have had a hard life. You might have gone without or may not have a family that loves you, but I can testify to God's goodness. I can tell you that no matter what kind of life you've had, God loves you and wants to know you. He can make your life worth living for...
Sounds pretty good, right? Well, as I was getting ready to fall asleep. I realized how much I've changed since junior high, high school, and even college. All of my experiences have done some revisions to my testimony. I had always walked the straight and narrow path. I'd never rebelled, or purposefully sinned against God. Purity seemed fairly easy and I had no attraction to parties, or even alcohol. I was never really even introduced to those temptations. In my own eyes, I thought I was pretty darn perfect.
As those of you who are older know, living on your own challenges you to really get to know yourself for who you really are. It wasn't until I left home and was on my own that I began to learn my identity. I had to go find my own church, my own friends, and my own job. I was on my own in Manhattan without family or my close high school friends to depend on to remind me how to do things the 'right' way. When you're in college, you meet a lot of really different people. Diversity is highly valued by the university and everyone is encouraged to embrace differences. Well, I was so frustrated my freshmen year that people didn't understand God and His love. During my time in undergrad, I even met some Christians that really made me unattracted to the Christian faith. I also made some really great and loyal friends that did not know God or his love and mercy. I was overwhelmed by change.
During the last few years, I've also experienced a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. I've cried more these last couple years than I ever remember crying. I've made decisions that were not always honoring to God, and for a while, I was even angry with God. I remember saying to Him, "what have I done so wrong to deserve this?" or "why me, God?". I never walked away from God, but we had some rough encounters, if you know what I mean. I had a lot of questions for Him, and the answers weren't coming as soon as I wanted them.
Over the last year, I also experienced a lot of disappointment. I've always had a hard time being excited or hoping for something, because I very much hate the feeling of disappointment. I will go to all extremes to avoid that feeling. For some reason disappointment has always made me feel inadequate. As though I wasn't worthy of what good was ahead. Well, that's a lie that satan has fooled me with for most my life. Thankfully, God has shown me so many great things these last few years. I always think of the quote, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.."
I clearly didn't sleep much last night. I was just talking to God about so many things. I could easily look back at the last few years and be ashamed. I should have done a lot of things differently, but I didn't. And, I'm very thankful that I haven't done things perfectly. Far from what I thought as a teenager, I'm so imperfect and so unworthy on my own. BUT because of who I am in Christ, I am very worthy. God has loved my beyond my imperfections, and He really has used my disappointments and mistakes for His glory. I am amazed at how much I have grown. Specifically, my ability to love. I have always struggled with expressing my feelings, especially in a relationship. It goes back to that whole idea of disappointment, I think. You don't want people to know that you love them because then if they don't love you back you'll feel silly. Well, I don't care anymore. I am going to love (in all aspects, not just a relationship) whether or not I'm loved in return, because I have God's love. And, I am capable of loving, because I know God's love. I thought after all the disappointment and hurt I would never be able to trust or be happy, because I would be afraid of experiencing those feelings again. As crazy as it sounds, just the opposite has happened.
When I was younger I thought I was nearly perfect, but that's to be expected when you've grown up fairly sheltered and haven't really had to rely on God on your own. You've always just relied on your parents and they did the relying on God part. Ironically, I've always been pretty judgmental. I would get angry when I saw people choosing to disobey God. I had a hard time loving people that would choose to be this way. Well, somewhere between then and now, I have experienced God's grace and mercy in a way I never imagined. I can love the unloveable because love is not earned. God loves us even when we deserve it the least. He loved us so much that while we were still sinners, He gave His Son's life for us. That's a hardcore kind of love, and I'm learning how to love in that way. I know this blog cannot do justice to what I've learned these last few years, but I just wanted to share with you that even when you feel like you're taking a million steps backwards in life, God may have a plan and He can work through those experiences and in the end you may be closer to Him than you've ever been before.
Never have these verses meant so much to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Long story short, don't give up and PLEASE, don't settle. God has a plan even when you can't see it or understand it. He may ask you to give something up only because He has something better in store. Rejoice in your pain and in your sorrows, because when you experience joy again it will never have felt so good (and almost makes the heartache, worth it). If there's one thing I'd like to add to my testimony, it is that God heals the broken. He can take your heart and make it whole again. Don't give up on yourself, but more importantly, don't give up on God.
Love you all!!!
...now back to accounting...
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